reeeeeel it in...

I usually pride myself on being able to reel in the crazy.  Well, I am getting concerned because I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep it together.  I kinda thought I was in the clear and would get through this pregnancy hormone/crazy free... no such luck.

People ask me all the time how I am feeling... I usually do the same thing-- I smile, put my hand on my stomach and say "really great!"... and usually I really mean it.  Usually.  However, sometimes the crazy creeps in and the following are some ways I have considered answering....

• "Well, I have gained almost 50 pounds so far and I still have two months left.  I have three chins, waddle around and know that I'll probably tip the scales at 200 pounds by the time this is all said and done... which is not what I expected when I started at 130 pounds.  Otherwise, I guess I'm ok.  Now, could you leave me alone so I can finish my big mac value meal, mcflurry and four piece nuggets in peace, please??"

• "Eh. Physically it has been kinda rough.  I had pretty bad morning sickness for two months and on top of that, around the same time, I had the skin of a 13 year old boy.  Recently I developed carpal tunnel, have a rib out of place that has been pretty painful, have been congested for 7 months due to swelling of my mucus membrane.  I'm exhausted (maybe because I'm up five times a night to pee), have crazy heartburn and my hands and feet are extremely swollen. Oh and my butt is so big that I can't fit into most of my underwear.  Now, could you leave me alone so I can finish my quarter pounder value meal, berry smoothie and four piece nuggets in peace, please??"

• "How am I feeling?  FREAKED OUT!  I am about to have a baby... a baby!!  I don't understand kegels so I am anticipating a painful situation down there... go ahead and try to explain them to me... I know you want to... I still won't get it when you're done.  Oh, I can do them at work while I sit at my desk, you say??  That sounds super pervy... I think I'll pass. Thanks. Now, could you leave me alone so I can finish my angus burger value meal, m&m mcflurry and four piece nuggets in peace, please??"

• "How am I feeling?  FREAKED OUT!  I am about to have a baby... a baby!!  Mentally, I'm feelin' a little stressed.  I have to make major decisions about stuff like circumcision and childcare.  I worry about if I am choosing a safe crib/mattress/car seat.  I worry about basically keeping him alive from day to day.  And on top of that, I have to convince Josh that "crib lids" don't exist... and I also have to convince him that we are having a baby boy and not a baby monkey who will climb out of his crib at two months old.  Now, could you leave me alone so I can finish my big mac value meal, and my angus value meal, and my quarter pounder value meal, and my oreo mcflurry, and my m&m mcflurry and my four piece nuggets in peace, pleeeease??  But, hey, before you go.... thanks for asking about how I'm feeling... that was nice of you."

I guess no one who reads this is going to ask me ever again how I'm doing, huh?  Well, maybe just don't ask while I'm eating McDonalds.